As I watch our society, our political landscape, and the immediate world around me I realize we are missing one key ingredient: shame. Part of the problem has been that the adults in our lives (and sometimes us) have misunderstood the term. Parenting is hard and as we know everything starts with parenting. It was a lot easier to pass around advice before I had a kid, but now that I do I realize the balancing act you always try to maintain.
When I was growing up, the big key was self esteem. We always wanted to make sure that kids had good self esteem. The problem was that the adults in our lives didn't realize (or forgot) that you actually had to do something to feel good about yourself. Earning your esteem means that your esteem was real. It also meant that when you did something stupid that you felt the requisite shame that went along with it. This is another area where the adults missed the boat. Many of them mixed up shame and disappointment.
Disappointment happens when you don't do as good on a test as you thought you did or you lose the big game. Disappointment is another important thing our kids need to grow up with from time to time. No one should ever be ashamed of losing or performing poorly as long as they did their best. They simply understand that sometimes you can't get your way even if you do everything right. It teaches us that we may have to change what we do to get what we want. Unfortunately, some parents substitute shame for disappointment. I grew up with these kids. If they lost the game they were made to feel shame. If they got a B they were made to feel shame. That's as dangerous as introducing no shame whatsoever.
The kind of shame I am talking about comes from doing something that is against the general moral or ethical code we all live by. We may disagree on some things, but there are others where we all agree. For instance, cheating on tests has become more rampant now then when I was in school. When I got caught cheating in the 5th grade I felt shame. My parents made sure I felt shame. That just isn't happening as much as it used to. When we look at the world of politics and society we see hosts of people that just aren't feeling the shame like they should.
Gov. Mark Sanford and former Gov. Rod Blagojevich are on top of that list. One is Republican and one is Democrat. Both have very good reasons to be ashamed and neither seems to be. The sports world wondered why it took Tiger Woods so long to speak. I thought he never should have spoken in the first place. When you do something as shameful as he did the best thing to do is to make a quick apology (not thirteen minutes) and hide yourself from the general public.
Bill Clinton and George W. Bush thankfully understood this. Both did things in office that deserved their shame. They understood that and they disappeared for a time. Now, they are both working together to benefit those struck by earthquakes and tsunamis. Funny, but Karl Rove and Dick Cheney didn't get the memo. It is a lot easier to respect people that understand their shame. It is something we all have. I've done things in my life I am ashamed of. I don't broadcast them.
What we do with our shame is our business. Whether we confess ourselves to loved ones, a priest, or a mental health professional is our business. Whether we keep it to ourselves and make amends quietly is our business. One thing is for sure, it is isn't anyone else's business and it certainly isn't the business of strangers. Unfortunately, too many people have done just that: they made it our business. Whether they be celebrities, politicians, or idiots looking for their fifteen minutes, too many people have made their shame our business. It's time to tell the kiddos the truth. That uneasy feeling you have in your stomach just might be shame. When you broke the law or one of the cardinal rules you should have felt ashamed. If you don't feel it there is something wrong with you. In life, people aren't going to shine sunshine up your butt all the time. When you do stupid stuff or hurtful stuff they will call you on it. Do what the rest of us did and apologize quietly. Then, sit quietly and try not to do it again. One thing is for sure, the stupid stuff you do is not worth celebrating.
Scott on self-esteem: "The problem was that the adults in our lives didn't realize (or forgot) that you actually had to do something to feel good about yourself."
Excellent, excellent, excellent. The self-esteem at all costs crowd came close to ruining an entire generation. And 'shame' is bad for self-esteem, too. So by all means, let's avoid that!
An insightful and important post that should be required reading for all present and future parents, school administrators, teachers, and anyone with any contact with sweet, adorable, perfect little Billy.
Maybe if Richard M. Nixon had been made to pay the piper, the following generation of Republicans would have learned from his example. As it is, what they have learned is...."If we're in charge, we can get away with ANYTHING". And we, as a society, have glamorized celebrities who behave badly and shunned people who have done the right thing.
Who gets the attention on the front pages? Tiger Woods. Charlie Sheen (I say that even though I'm a huge fan). Lindsay Lohan.
They have learned that even bad publicity is still publicity.
Maybe we should bring back the idea of publish shaming and install stocks in the center of town.
Oooh, ooooh, ooooh,
I love to use this one......
"When the president does it, it's NOT illegal."
Just in case anyone still believes that Dubya has no reason to be ashamed, let me remind everyone of four words: No. Child. Left. Behind. Granted, the words sound really good, but it is because of this very act that I get frustrated about my property taxes. I pay for my children to go to a school and eat junk (that I pay extra for) and attend test-prep sessions all the livelong day. I could hope that Mr. Bush would feel ashamed of that fiasco, but I think my hopes would be in vain.
The three rules for avoiding shame:
1. Admit nothing.
2. Deny everything.
3. Counter-accuse when possible.
(This is not a personal attack on anyone)
Bart further ironically/hypocritically pontificates, “know how to spell words before you repeat them in public in writing”.
Um bart, does THIS look familiar?
seriouscynic wrote:"Is it me or is it humorous to others to read critics who either can't spell "arguments" or make incoherent conclusions… Those who consider themselves intellectually advances [sic] yet fail to understand even this most rudumentary [sic] concept are self delusional.
Bart, to preclude the necessity of pretending to hide shame (or "self delusion"), know how not to make TWO grammatical mistakes in the same sentence when you are criticizing others of a singular spelling error.
Bart hilariously and hypocritically pontificated the following: “Talk about not having any shame! Shame requires a clear violation of a moral/ethical standard. In our "New America" we have situational ethics and moral relativism that excuses behavior that used to be shameful.”
Ladies and gentlemen, I present Exhibit A for Scott’s excellent and insightful essay on shame: bart-1/seriouscynic/usincrisis in action.
Let’s see bart, when did Barack Obama vote for the Afghanistan War as you stated when he was an Illinois STATE Senator at the start of that war? That would be NEVER. What is 9 billion divided by 30 million? Hint, it’s not 300,000 as you posted twice on the chron but never retracted or acknowledged even when brought to your attention. And when did stagflation first surface in this country? Not during the Nixon administration as you stated despite the fact that at least two of your own source links refuted your own false assertion. And when did Barack Obama state that he would end a war (any war) within a year of making that purported comment as you insisted he did but provided no proof? That would be NEVER also, bart.
That’s right bart, just hypocritically call everyone “bozo” when they point out your mistakes and then whine about name calling “attacks”. No shame, acknowledgement, or lame excuses needed. Bart, you really have a lock for the high chutzpah award to pontificate about morals, situational ethics, etc. when anyone who points out your factual or logical mistakes is automatically categorized as initiating a “personal attack” on the one hand, yet you feel no shame in initiating calling those same people “bozos”, “morons”, and “clowns” unprovoked.
Now, have we ever heard or seen in print an utterance from bart to the effect of “I wuz wrong”? Not that I am aware of. But I have noticed repeatedly on the chron where my and other posters’ comments refuting and debunking bart’s factual inaccuracies and logical flaws “mysteriously” disappearing so that bart’s factually incorrect assertions remain unchallenged and uncorrected.
“Situational ethics” and “moral relativism” indeed. Buy yourself a mirror bart.
What happened to being able to LAUGH at our mistakes...to review your actions and think "Man, I really humped the dog on THAT one! What the hell was i thinking?" It all stems from an extreme lack on introspection on the part of almost all americans. We recieve our validations and rewards from external sources, and if we wind up screwing up...well that's got to be someone ELSE'S fault. We didn't lose, they cheated. We didn't fail at the job interview, it was the dang minorities getting special treatment. I didn't fail the test, the teacher is out to get me or doesn't know how to teach.
It's endless, and it's bad for us all.
What happened to learning from your mistakes ? If you aren't told what you did was a mistake how can you learn not to do it again. Too many kids, and adults aren't told that what they did was a mistake. One of the problems with no child left behind. Parents don't want educators to call out their kids mistakes anymore. Just babysit them and pass them along, please.
Also, don't forget that this is a website, not a web sight. Since we are now being invaded by the spelling police.....
BTW, thanks for the comments Wombat. I do agree. We have substituted shame for disappointment too often and therefore distorted both.
Personal attacks. Well at least I am not keeping a "dossier" (spelled correctly) on other people and following them around for months to make personal attacks.
Which you, Bart, DID do.
Now run along, sonny boy. Give your buddy Alan a big *smooch* from us.
(Not really). The mere thought makes me want to hurl.
Mark Twain said it best
"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn no other way."
In the immortal words of George Carlin "Children need to hear those all-important words, You LOST...you tried but you just weren't good enough" But that's okay, because you don't always win in life. It's not that there's no shame in america, it's that shame is misapplied. Being wrong, not succeeding, not achieving your goals on the first try is what's considered shameful. Thus cheating, lying, and blaming others for one's own faults is more acceptable than failure.
We need to engender the concept that it's okay to totally blow it....so long as you learn what you did wrong and not do it again.
I fear that we may be developing infomational (new word) personalities and there is no hope for us!
I find it interesting that you consider being proven wrong a "personal attack". The problem is that you are wrong on so many facts and issues that it's hard to have a conversation with you. Take the Dream Act. You are knee jerk opposed to it, because it legalizes the status of "illegals". What you are ignoring is that there are about 750,000 of these kids in our society NOW. They were brought here as young children and live in the shadows through no fault of their own. Virtually all have already been educated in our schools. By legalizing them, they then become TAX PAYING residents supporting themselves and their families. It's a pragmatic, compassionate bill. Bigots and racists don't want it because it's for MEXICANS, which everyone knows must be relegated to washing dishes and mowing lawns, and God forbid we do anything to help them.
Get over yourself.
Not enough coffee, so take out at least one "once again" ok? Sorry 'bout that!
Those with a well developed ego are the most dangerous, for they will wield the concepts of shame, conscience, and honor like great hammers upon the gullible masses and seek fame in the media. But let them fail in public and then the reality show begins all over again. It belies the concepts and once again faith in the human experiment is once again proven the ultimate folly of intelligence.
I was watching Rachel Maddow interview senate candidate Hayworth from Arizon last night. She's good. Hayworth is a freak...which means he's likely to be the Republican candidate chosen over McCain.
Scott, you are surely right when you called it a balancing act. My father, a WWII veteran was huge on honor, pride, and accountability but ran a little short in the unconditional love department. At least it seemed so. Everyday I try to find that balance with my daughter and I must confess that I think it is much easier with a daughter than it would be with a son simply because I feel that traditionally women are not taught honor, accountability, etc...OUCH!
Anyway, I'm at work, in deep poopoo and desperately scrambling for some convincing excuses.
There is one really good reason that Cheney and Rove are as aggressive as they are, lying and mis-representing their own record: they're trying to stay out of jail. By changing the narrative, with the 24/7 assistance of Fox Noise, Rove and Cheney have been able to intimidate Obama and the Dems into not pursuing charges against them. Cheney admitted to violating federal and international law by authorizing the torture of prisoners. Rove and Cheney both were at the center of the Plame outing, and Scooter Libby's silence kept them out of jail (or from needing a pardon from Bush). Their arrogance is defense. As long as the media allows them to get on national television and lie freely without challenge, they will actually get away with it.
Bart is ranting for two reasons. First, he is a part of that Bush did no wrong crowd. Clinton may have done things that were more PERSONALLY embarassing, but Bush embarassed all of US. Obviously, he missed the Woods reference. One does not have to apologize. Just go away and Bush has done that. He misses the fact that I am giving him credit. The other reason he ranted is because he wants me to list every Democrat that has disgraced himself/herself. Well, I didn't list every Republican either. I'm sorry I didn't throw in Edwards, but he's a good example. Then I'd have to throw in the multitude of Republicans that have solicited sex with boys or men while being publically anti-homosexual. Tit for tat really breaks down the flow of an article.
Great post, Scott. And carguy, you nailed it also.
Meanwhile, there is ol' Bart with the same whiney refrain. "No Republicans ever did anything bad and no Democrat never did anything good". It's like listening to a broken record. Johnny One-Note.
Hey, Bart....we admitted Clinton made mistakes. Scott admitted it above.
Now....when will you guys admit that Rove, Cheney, Sanford, et al, are pond scum?
I'm not holding my breath on that one.
For those who don't understand why Bush might feel shame, I point simply to the erosion of our civil liberties and standing in the world. The America can do no wrong crowd are missing out on this. This is not a Democrat or Republican game. The internment camps was a period of shame. Shame is the part of you that tells you that you have done wrong. Giving into fear, lying to the American people, and labeling dissenters as unamerican is all worthy of shame.
First of all, I agree with your premise. I disagree that GWB feels shame, though. I just don't think he's that deep.
Reality TV is a big part of this. Do you think our parents generation or their parents would act the fool on camera for a stipend and fifteen minutes of fame? Nope.
One of the hardest things I ever had to tell my daughter when she was bullying another kid was that I was ashamed of her. It hurt her and it hurt me, but it was important to show how her behavior tells the world who she is.
You make some really good points but I think it goes a little deeper, Scott. I see the lack of shame you’re talking about almost every day, both at home and in my workplace, and I see a clear reason for it: Total lack of personal accountability. It is nearly impossible to feel shame once you’ve convinced yourself that it isn’t your fault that you struck out. “Man that umpire needs to be fired”. “I only cheated on my spouse because SHE didn’t make herself emotionally/physically available to me”. Or, my personal favorite from my 15 year old daughter: “I know I should’ve studied more, but YOU are the one who insisted that I take AP classes, Dad” (I most certainly did not, but that’s beside the point).
I can also agree that it all starts with parenting. It really is amazing how quickly children learn to pass the buck. I probably spend half of lectures to my kids trying to get them to see that yes, it is your fault and the other half explaining how to handle things differently next time. There are plenty of accountability issues in parenting too, though. People don’t like to think that their children did wrong because that reflects poorly on them, as with my teen daughter’s poor biology grade. I see my mistake. I should have paid more attention to what she was actually doing when she claimed to be studying.
I guess my overall point is similar to yours, Scott. When you screw up, own up. Take your lumps and do your best not to make the same poor choices again. After all:
“Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment”
-Jim Horning
In "the end", the lack of shame and the erosion of honor, just might be our downfall.
Boy, when you step up to the plate you generally have a good "at bat". I agree with everything.
But let me expand.
HONOR. It goes along with "shame." If I may, my introduction and education in "honor" came, many times, through Westerns on TV. There were no more honorable men than the heroes in the old TV westerns. (Ladies please forgive me but you were all mostly moms or schoolteachers) Each show had a protagonist and generally weekly revolving antagonists. And, according to these westerns, there was NO MORE IMPORTANT THING than a man's HONOR. It was indefinable yet EVERY man knew what it was. There was NO price on it. And no LIMIT to it. And my dad made sure I knew what honor was and that there was nothing more sacred than a man's handshake and his word.
One of the failings of our forefathers was they counted on HONOR among men when they drafted the constitution and built this nation. They, for the most part, didn't foresee people like Rod Blagoyovich, and Mark Sanford, Ken Lay, Andrew Fastow, just to name a few.
I remember a quote from Mark Twain, "Man is the only animal that can "blush" OR that has a need to."