Rachel Weiner of the Huffington Post reports today that a conservative group that calls themselves The Conservative Bible Project believe that "Liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations" so they are re-translating.
Upon first reading this story, I was reminded of the great Kevin Smith movie Dogma, where Jesus is repackaged as the Buddy Jesus (see photo above) to attract a younger crowd to Catholisism. Sadly, these folks aren't joking.
The benefits of converting the bible to a more conservative-friendly model would be "benefiting from activity that no public school would ever allow; a Conservative Bible could become a text for public school courses" and "liberals will oppose this effort, but they will have to read the Bible to criticie this, and that will open their minds." I'd say more but I'm speechless.
Ok, not totally speechless.
Note: If you are sensitive about religion, the rest of this blog is satirical and might offend people with wadded-up panties.
The Twitter-sphere (Can I be credited with creating that phrase or has someone else already used it?) went crazy this evening with one of the funniest schticks I've ever seen. Here are some of the conservative Bible verses Tweeters think might fit in:
Jesus wept. But they were Glenn Beck tears.
In Christ there is no slave nor free, no Jew nor Greek, no male nor female. Wait, what am I saying?
Thou shalt not get caught committing adultery.
Thou shalt stand in Alaska, and look upon Russia from my house.
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be my gun...
Suffer not the little children to come unto me, for that would be socialist indoctrination.
And the LORD said, go forth into the desert. Then spend 2 trillion dollars looking for non-existent WMDs.
The Meek shall inherit nothing but bootstraps.
And on the 6th day, the earth was redistricted as his disciple Delay sent forth, and electoral prosperity for GOP ensued
Adam sayeth to Eve - "Did you pay for that Rib?"
Beck answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the tea party except through me."
I'd love to hear what Hurricane readers come up with. Happy Monday, folks.
*Note: The nature and anonymity of Twitter made it impossible for me to credit these verses to the original Twit. Visit www.twitter.com and search topic #conservativebible for more.
If there is a hell, and I don't believe there is, those idiots are going straight there.
Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church.
Unless you have a chance to grab some nookie in Argentina. Then go for it....just tell everyone you're hiking on a mountain trail.
Or, pay off your mistress's husband. Christians pay to play.
Thou shalt not judge.
Unless you're a rightwing, holier-than-thou person. Then it's no holds barred.(I refuse to call those assholes "Christians").
"Before you remove the speck from your neighbor's eye, remove the Tootsie Roll from your own."
"Blessed are the poor, for they shalt be forced to live on Ramen Noodles."
"An eye for an eye, and a tooth for $1000 per ounce if it's gold"
The name is Selah, not Sarah. Sounds like they are ethically cleansing instead of removing the "liberal bias".
Psalm 66, Verse 4 (the CBP version):
"All the earth will worship you, and will sing to you; they will sing to your name, "Sarah"
Seems Conservapedia are not the only ones to rewrite the bible.
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2006/08/08/hitler-s-12-commandments-115875-17525519/
Oh the fun we could have with that!!
Wow, two posts on Conservapedia and I am already banned. MUHAHAHAHAHA
No man shall lie with another man but you may proposition thee in an airport bathroom.
Bwaahahaha I loved them all... especially Wilma.. you are just too funny guuurrrrll!
I'm not feeling creative this morning.. so nothing to add... but thanks for the laugh guys!
I hope this will be seen as the religious fringe that it is. Unfortunately I am guessing it won't be. I guess Jesus' love thy brother is too touchy feely for the right-wing freaks, or maybe they see it as gay.
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall be the recipients of trickle down.
Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be called teabaggers.
Blessed are the pure of heart. That one’s gonna be tough. Have you seen Sarah Palin?
Yes, I agree. Republicans don't own Jesus..
ROFLMAO!
So true! So true!
"Blessed are the poor in spirit unless they're those illegal Messicans"
I well remember the tempest I have stirred up over at the C&C blog on the chronicle when I stated that in my opinion (note the phrase IN MY OPINION) Jesus was a liberal.
You could just see whackjob heads exploding.
I was condemned to hell, told I was perverted, not a Christian.....all of which just confirmed to me that those hypocrites are just modern day Pharisees.
"Who knew God was a Republican"?
Two of my favorites - one of which is on a magnet on my fridge: "Get Real. Like Jesus would ever own a gun -- or vote Republican."
"If you talk about helping others -- you are a Christian. If you actually DO help others... you are a socialist."
For I was hungry and you said, “Get a job and a haircut, you lazy sandal-wearing hippie.”
I was sick and you said, “Pay for your own insurance, stop looking for a handout.”
I was naked and you said, “Arrest that pervert.”
I was in prison and you said, “Lock ‘em up and throw away the key.”
The Chron right wing religious types, going clear back to original religious blogger Chris Campbell, hate me and have for years. I like to think I had a hand in getting at least one of them removed as a blogger after I exposed his blatantly false professional credentials. (What's that commandment about bearing false witness?)
That having been said, I do enjoy and find great entertainment in their oh-so-serious discussions of minutiae, each of them trying to impress the others with their understanding of scripture, so certain of their own righteousness.
I'm pretty much a non-believer, despite having been raised in the Christian faith. But I do attend church, just sang the anthem last Sunday as a matter of fact. The conservative rewrite of the Bible doesn't bother me in the least. For centuries religious folk have been making it up as they go along. This is nothing different. Fact remains none of them know a damn thing more about the unknowable than do any of the rest of us.
you can't make this stuff up lol. here's one that might top this: today i participated in a heated debate on my new group "912 patriot mommies". a woman had the unmitigated gall to post a comment that she was a conservative but did not want the "god stuff" crammed down her throat! after a suitable flaming, she posted that she'd never seen a unicorn so does not believe they exist. i went the moderate route, posting that founders came over on the mayflower to escape lockstep religion of the angelican church and established freedom of religion up to and including NO religion. probably a mistake, as i was promptly referred to glen beck rule #2 that i agree that god's authority overrides any person or govt. not to be outfoxed, i pointed out rule #8 stating it was not un-american to express a personal opinion that did not agree with the majority. i also threw in that membership was only contingent upon 7 of the 9, and it was private which 7 i was claiming. all day long i read flames but also found a growing number of members who could not agree to "agree with my god or burn in hell". many stated not to judge, don't be your brother's keeper, etc. so don't want to get your hopes up, but there just might be people who start really putting some thought into hateful rhetoric. at least i'm not banned yet so my social experiment continues. pretty soon it'll come down to "with us or agin us", this i do know.
"Being covered with the blood of the lamb is what happens if you let teenagers wash the whites."
"The last shall be first and the first shall be last, so run like hell, then fall down and let everyone pass you.
"Do not covet thy neighbor's ass... let her keep him."
Kelly, you are a dear for posting this. It's like I'm in a candy store and just don't know where to start :) It'll have to wait for manana though.
PS I'm guessing it's purely coincidence that the Captcha phrase contains "666", no? It must be, otherwise it would be plain creepy that the state issued me new license plates one year that had that on them too ; )
The conservatives are suffering from pre-existing perdition, so they can't help it...
And on the seventh day God deregulated
The love of money is the root of all that's totally awesome
And then Jesus said unto the lepers: "Find a charity."
"Love thy neighbor...well, unless thy neighbor is black, Hispanic, gay, or anywhere politically left of Rush Limbaugh"
"Your treasure is in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy...and liberals don't make you pay taxes on it"
"Judge not, lest ye be judged....unless thee who ye judge are not conservative enough"
Thanks, I'll be here all week.